to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
What?!?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
This makes total sense…
men, we mow at sunrise.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.