To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
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I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
How dude HOW?!
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Yep.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Something Saturday.