@PonyMartini: Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself." Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.

@HatfieldAnne: Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"

@StinkyGr33n: I don't mean to brag, but I'm extremely talented with my lips and tongue. *Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

@bridger_w: When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I'd like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens