a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Who says great literature is dead?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.