A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct