To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
the saddest jazz hands ever
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee