To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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