@HatfieldAnne: To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.
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@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
@thebeckyard: I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.
@fillthevacuum: Someone gave me a star as a gift. I'm planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.