@HatfieldAnne: To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.
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@thetits: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
@psybermonkey: Wife: you've hardly touched your dinner...talk to me. Me: *sigh* I can't keep teaching zoology, Susan. I'm so tired of answering stupid questions. Waiter: how does the chicken taste? Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
@MongooseMayhem: Let's play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you're okay with hide and sex. I'll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.