@HatfieldAnne: To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.
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@ericsshadow: If the salesman doesn't come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
@KentWGraham: I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
@AngelaEhh: Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
@mydaughtersarmy: The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.