my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
describing stardew valley
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.