To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
You Might Also Like
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.