To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
#MeanwhileInCanada
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.