To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs