To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
This was a bad idea all around
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.