[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
bout dat hot dog summer
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there