[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Tuesday
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels