@doktorj: *lies down on waxing table Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

@trevso_electric: If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I'll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

@Tmoney68: Coworker: What a crazy weekend! Me: *takes a knee* CW: What are you doing? M: Protesting this conversation.

@kuusela34: If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

@warbird622: Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can't cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played......