Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays