To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.