@jus4golf: To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn't tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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@KentWGraham: After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
@GrowlyGrego: Is there a Twitter acronym for "Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it"?
@squirrel74wkgn: *knocks on bathroom stall wall* Forgive me father, for I have sinned. "Huh? What?" It's been 3 days since my last- [sound of diarrhea]