To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.