To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
To the max.. 😂
Sound on