To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
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Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?