(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.