@imskytrash: (to kid at lemonade stand) i ain't buying shit until i find you on yelp
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@reTICKulous: *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way
@internetluke: [interview for fireman] "So why do you think you're a good fireman?" I lit the building on fire "What?" Now watch as I try to put it out
@DougStanhope: I'm watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
@RandomAntics: Woman: Please send an ambulance, I'm having contradictions!! Operator: Ma'am, do you mean 'contractions'? Woman: Yes! No!