To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Beware of the dog..
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person