To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
You Might Also Like
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.