To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.