To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.