To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses