@WilliamAder: To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don't "like" themselves.
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@MariyaAlexander: If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
@ThisOneSayz: *Standing in my shower* I wasn't being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes