Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works