“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Worth remembering.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.