I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
lol
“What?”
– Jude
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
All. The. Damn. Time.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.