@TheWoodenslurpy: To people calling themselves "Grammar Nazis": you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Don't be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit. ME: Ok, I will. [later that day] ME: I quit BOSS: WHAT?? ME: I said, nice squid
@KevinFarzad: I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I'm fit but really it's just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
@Sarcasticsapien: Father's Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.