Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
This is the best one I’ve seen
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Hamburger Hinderer.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱