Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.