@markleggett: Companies want "rockstar" employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@gorrdano: Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There's no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@Arbitral: Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

@ThaJawn: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me and 20 koalas: *blank stare

@EndhooS: [High school reunion] Classmate: I've been out building schools in Africa Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin