[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
one last job
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
he chose this