84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?