@Mike_Bianchi: To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell "what?" into a mirror over and over.
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@NotOnTheMoors: There's a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.
@abbycohenwl: [spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect” KID: I haven’t spelled it yet JUDGE: No, that’s your word KID: T-H-A-T-’-S JUDGE: No- KID: N-
@Ristolable: Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in six years.
@nikkithecanuck: Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.