To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.