To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?