[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
They grow up so quick
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever