to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
just having fun
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.