To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.