@ehdannyboy: To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout "WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?"
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@XLToast: Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
@Spiritsoko: Cat knocks over coffee Me.... Cat.... Me... Cat.... Me: well? Cat.... Me.... Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing. Jumps down
@Brianhopecomedy: *wife phones* "Hi!" "Hi! Did you clean the house?" "Uhh...YUP!" "OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?" "Yes, about 2 hours."