To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Finally! 😈
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?