@tweeterreader36: To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn't tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It's on!!
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@GrantTanaka: [dark alley] Dealer: so what you want Me: a gram [dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
@noog: The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
@weinerdog4life: Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
@laurenmacdonald: Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.