When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone