[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
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For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….