[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.