[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago