[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.