Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.