Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.