To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
No one :
Me when I swimming :