To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
My dad is at it again
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.