@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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@Kyle_Lippert: A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. "Give me a D" she says. "She wants the D" Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
@highwayhooligan: I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
@Brianhopecomedy: In a marriage it's always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.