@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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@GrandadJFreeman: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@sammyrhodes: There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
@vicki_gurley: My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..
@AthenaMystique: *sings Batman theme *crawls along bars of death *rolls down slope *ascends tower *knocks out foes "Miss, you need to leave the playground."