To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.